TD#122 - On Building Trust and Resolving Conflicts
Most knows that trust is the platform to build upon, but how to build trust in the first place? Let'd find out!
Last week, I had the pleasure of mentoring a group of managers in person, a change from my usual remote work. Although COVID restrictions have been over for a while, most of my business occurs online. So, driving for a few hours to meet people face-to-face in beautiful places is a refreshing change.
Last week's location was in Northern Italy, at a monastery. It felt like being on a movie set, like Game of Thrones.
I wasn't alone; three other trainers were with me, each an expert in their respective fields. Our clients who work in IT could ask us questions and engage in facilitated discussions. We spent the entire day in a place devoid of Wi-Fi and mobile reception. The chairs were so uncomfortable that falling asleep wasn't an option, but we had the opportunity to stroll within the Abbey's walls under its archways.
Despite the gloomy winter day, the surrounding nature added a touch of serenity to our setting.
I led a discussion during that session that kept me pondering for days. A client posed a thought-provoking question.
They had recently resolved a conflict with a group member through dialogue, thanks to mutual trust. They wondered what the outcome would have been if trust was absent, thus eliminating the chance for conversation.
This question is intriguing as it has many layers.
The first layer revolves around the role of trust in conflict resolution. Most people think that the absence of trust leads to communication breakdown. However, my experience suggests the reverse. Lack of dialogue often results in distrust. The less we interact, explain ourselves, and seek clarification from others, the less we trust them. Trust stems from our actions and lays the foundation for all relationships.
The second aspect worth considering is the 'if' factor, the hypothetical scenario. What if I didn't trust the other person? How would we settle a disagreement? We can have disputes with people we do not trust. Some conflicts may seem insurmountable or remain unresolved because we dislike or distrust the other person or cannot work together to find a solution.
In such cases, I strongly advise implementing a process. This is something I've noticed is often overlooked in my career. When two people face unresolved conflict or distrust, they should follow a formal procedure to escalate the situation and seek a resolution. Sometimes, both parties may find the solution satisfactory, sometimes only one, and sometimes neither. But it's still a resolution. The process usually involves taking the issue to the top of the organization, where people are expected to take responsibility and resolve conflicts.
I've observed that the absence of a process leaves conflicts to the individuals involved, or worse, solely in the hands of HR departments. This often leads to disastrous outcomes. HR does not work for the employees but for the company. Their goal is not to resolve conflicts but to ensure conflicts do not harm the organization.
To truly benefit from diversity, dissent, and the complexities of modern work, we need processes that resolve conflicts at the managerial and leadership levels, not just at the HR level.
The third fascinating aspect was the "if."
The manager was struggling with the possibility of not finding a solution. Here, I must mention Seneca's words.
We suffer more in imagination than in reality. - Seneca
We create a world where suffering is inherent, causing us to ignore all available solutions and tools. These could help us avoid suffering altogether. Therefore, most of our suffering occurs in our minds long before we can suffer in real life.
To summarize, I invite you to keep this in mind. Trust needs to be the byproduct of good practice. You need a process to deal with unsolvable conflicts, and once you have in place a good practice, you shouldn't let your imagination be the source of suffering.
Additional Resources
How to Build Trust
Trust is such a difficult concept. We need it more than oxygen to build impactful teams, but there is no “trick” to building trust. Nevertheless, we expect people to trust us just because. It's not working.
So, how do you build trust?
This article is a great starting point, but it's hard work. Are you ready for it? Check it out!
Genes Play a Key Role in Trust
About a third of the differences in trust levels come from genetic factors. This shows that trust is a key social trait we can inherit. The study used data from twins and reviewed past studies. It looked at how genes and the environment affect trust.
This study highlights the complexity of trust and its effect on social and economic results. It shows that genetics play a big role in trust. This discovery paves the way for better understanding and improvement of trust in different areas. These areas include personal relationships and political involvement.
Why Humans Can't Trust AI
Trust is based on consistency. It relies on your skill to foresee others' actions. When someone you trust acts unexpectedly, your trust in them lessens.
How can you trust something as unpredictable as AI if you need help understanding it?
We Suffer More in Imagination Than in Reality
We often try to foresee the results of our actions. Sometimes, we overthink our future possibilities. We create scenarios, hoping they'll help us handle whatever comes our way. We dwell too much on past mistakes, scolding ourselves for not acting as virtuously as we aim to. We repeatedly think about our mistakes, fearing they'll stain our character. Instead, we should learn from them and move forward.
How to Communicate When Trust Is Low
When trust is low in a relationship, you often perceive other's words negatively. You might hear hostility, contempt, or dismissiveness, even if they're not present. The conversation feels like a minefield from the other side. Every word you say is misunderstood or used against you despite your caution. This can lead to a downward spiral in trust. Each interaction makes you both become more distant and accumulate more hurts and offenses.
Check out this article on trust and communication.
The Triangle of Trust
People tend to trust you when they think they are interacting with the real you (authenticity) when they have faith in your judgment and competence (logic), and when they believe that you care about them (empathy).
More about the triangle of trust in the book "Unleashed" by Frances Frei. Totally recommended.